Orange Juice
by acollectionoffavoritequotes
Summary: Alfred wasn't really expecting that. Nor was any of the Bat Family. However yes, that was the Joker in Bruce Wayne's Bed. SLASH. Of a crackish flavor. Ye have been warned.
1. So Have We Caught Him or Not?

**So yeah, this is my new fandom because... it won't leave me alone. And Joker/Batman are so cute and twisted and wonderful. So this is very comic verse (Because Nightwing and Robin are in it.)**

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After many years of working for Master Bruce, also known as Batman, Alfred was used to a lot of strange things. He was not, however, prepared for what greeted him that particular morning.

"Master Bruce," he said as calmly as he possibly could manage. "There appears to be a man in your bed."

"Yes," Master Bruce said slowly.

"It appears as if that man is the Joker."

"Yes, Alfred thank you, I was aware of that."

The Joker giggled for lack of a better word.

Alfred paused. "Shall I go make some breakfast then, Master Bruce?"

"Breakfast?" The Joker perked up. "Can you make waffles?"

"No, thank you Alfred. Can you create a distraction instead?"

Alfred blinked through the Joker's protests that he wanted waffles. "How long of a distraction, Master Bruce?"

"Excuse me, Alfred?"

"Well Sir, are we just trying to sneak him out the back or," and here he stopped to give his master a pointed look.

Bruce twitched. "Sneaking out the back. Tim seems to have a habit of running in at the worst moments."

"But," the Joker protested. "I want breakfast. And morning sex."

Bruce was about to say something when he was interrupted. Alfred stood by stoically as the Joker convinced his master maybe an hour long distraction would be better than a fifteen minute one.

"Right then," Alfred said. "I'll go make breakfast. And create a distraction."

Outside the door he paused to think. "Maybe I should put Vodka in the orange juice." Just as he was considering the pros and cons of such a course of action, Tim shot by him right for the room. "Master Tim--!" he started.

"No time to talk. The Joker's escaped Arkam again and we have to--." The Boy Wonder froze and slowly shut the door. "Alfred," he said carefully, as if the words were about to destroy his entire world. "Have you seen Bruce today?"

"Yes."

"And did that look like the Joker. In bed. With him?"

"Yes."

"Was it?"

"I believe so, Master Tim."

"Oh. I'm going to… go… now… somewhere… else." Tim paused at the top of the stairs and twitched. "Call me later Alfred. When they're… erm, normal again."

"That may never happen again as you once knew it, Master Tim."

Another twitch and the boy was gone. Alfred sighed, and started down the stairs, just in time to see Dick burst through the door and come running up the stairs. "Tim called, he said the Joker had escaped again--."

"Wait!" Alfred called but it was too late again.

"So," Dick paused. "Have you caught him or is the investigation ongoing?"

"Ongoing! NOW GET OUT OF MY ROOM."

"Maybe you should invest in a lock, Batsy."

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**I do plan on doing more of this fic. I have ideas. Of fluff. Who'd have thought of them being FLUFFY? The world's going to end, I can tell. (And yes, the Joker knows Bruce is Batman. More on that later.)**

**Ah, I forgot to mention! This is so for Fluffy2044.**


	2. Brucie, Dearest

**Okay, this chapter got somewhat more serious. But maybe fluffy? So yeah, glad everyone liked it so far . (And for the record, Bruce totally has a lock. He's just not used to using it because Alfred appearing in the morning is a good way to get the women to leave.)(The Joker though...)**

**This is still for Fluffy2044. And Sarah. **

**This is also very comic verse. I mention No Man's Land (The novel by Greg Rucka is made of love. My Joker comes from there and the new movie. With a few others thrown in.) and something that happened in Gotham Central: Dead Robin. But nothing's a spoiler. **

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_The Night Before_

It had not been a good day. And now, just as Batman was ready to go home, he got a call that the Joker had escaped.

Again.

No one was surprised anymore, but he resented the man's timing. Couldn't he have escaped before four forty-five A.m.? This time, everyone was more worried than usual though, because he hadn't escaped in over the last six months. He hadn't even tried. Even when he didn't mean to escape, he made attempts every few months (One such attempt involving the cleaning supplies lives on in everyone's memories. Vividly.)

Six months with no activity? This was not going to be good.

For all of that, Batman hadn't expected him to be so easy to find. While he always started at Arkam, he never expected anyone to actually be nearby.

And yet, not half a mile away, there was the Joker, sitting in a tree, for all the world looking like he was waiting for him.

"What's hanging Batsy?" The Joker grinned, swinging a leg back and forth. "We need to talk."

"Talk?" Batman's eyebrows went up. His brow movements were an automatic reaction, as no one could really see them anyway.

"Yup," the Joker grinned and leapt down from his perch. "See, I've been thinking. About a problem I have."

"That must have been some thinking."

The Joker looked serious. "It was. It really was. See, the problem is, lately? Killing people has just gotten boring. In fact, it's been boring for a while."

Recoiling, Batman considered the man in front of him. "What?"

"See, when I was younger, I thought killing would never bore me. There was just so many ways to do it, and everyone reacted so differently! There were just so many variables and I thought, hey, there's no way you can ever run out of fun ways to do this."

"I do not think," Batman said slowly. "There is any way you could have said something that would have disturbed me more."

The Joker waved as dismissive hand. "Oh, I'm sure there is Brucie."

Batman choked.

"But, as I was saying, I've got this problem. I'm bored. Have been for a while. Killing people just isn't the same anymore. Harvey made things a bit more interesting for a while, and that was fun, but she wasn't ever meant to be a long term thing. Remember No Man's Land?"

"Yes," Batman whispered, still reeling from being called "Brucie" by this man.

"Right. How could you forget? Well, the thing is, I learned something there. If I'm not killing people, you don't pay attention to me. And I can't have that. Because, well, one, I like the spotlight, and two, I really like being in _your_ spotlight. So, there I was, in No Man's Land, not killing, just bidding my time, and what does it get me? _Nothing._ You don't come by once. So then I start killing people. That, I felt sure, would bring you running." The whole time he'd been talking, the Joker had started stalking around the frozen figure. "So, not only did I learn you wouldn't pay attention to me if I didn't kill, but it'd gotten to the point you didn't pay me any mind when I did kill. Quite a problem you see."

"Why?"

"Because of all the things in the world, you don't bore me. And, well, you're you and I'm me. And we need each other. So, I started thinking. Then I decided on something. I'm going to stop killing people."

"You broke out of Arkam to tell me that?"

"No-o. That's just part of what I had to tell you. This next part, well, that's something else, Brucie."

"Stop calling me that!"

"Hit some nerve, huh? I found out a while ago, so don't freak out on me. I know it must be hard to deal with someone figuring out your dear secret, but that's not what's important right now."

"Then what is?" Batman demanded.

"What I was about to say! I'm going to stop killing people, and yes, I know you heard that part already, but here's the thing. I'm going to change the rules of our game."

"What are you talking about?"

"I kill, you come running. Whoop-de-do. I kill, you don't come running. I want you to come running. So, new rules."

As he spoke, the man kept inching closer. "And what are those rules going to be?" Batman asked, more than sure he didn't want to hear to answer. In reply, the Joker leaned forward until their noses almost touched.

"Guess."

"I have no--," he started, so the Joker kissed him. "You," Batman sputtered. "What are you--?"

"What does it look like? I know your smart Batsy, so act like it," the Joker rolled his eyes.

"You think that…" Batman stopped and for a moment actually considered. Shaking his head violently he tried to step away from the Joker but the man just took a step forward.

"Don't try to act like you haven't thought about it, that you didn't just think about it. We've been at this long enough that I know you. We've danced enough times I know all the steps by heart." Again the Joker leaned in as if he was about to kiss him and then stopped mere breaths away and waited. "And you'll never stop being interesting."

"What happens if I do?" Batman asked, voice breathless.

"I'll take up painting."

"I don't…"

"Yes you do. Come on, you think I never noticed? You hate this, this always fighting each other, afraid I might hurt someone because then you'd get your extra wallop of guilt. Not just because someone died, but because it was me, and you could never really get over the fact you wanted me. Think I didn't notice? Please. You were so over compensating…"

"I was not."

"You broke my arm."

"That was because I thought you were killing…"

"It could have been anyone else, and you did hit other people. But you _broke_ my _arm_."

"I…" he tried one last time and then shut up.

"Isn't it funny?" the Joker grinned, still not moving back so that they were still standing so. Very. Close. "Us."

"I'm not sure who's laughing."

"We are. We can." Another grin. "This is funnier than that joke I heard last week about the duck and the--" But he never got to tell the joke about the duck and whatever else because Batman had closed that last little breath distance and was kissing him.

"See, was that so hard--"

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**Okay, the next chapter might still be kinda serious but there are plans for fluff and flowers later. (FLOWERS?! you say?)**


	3. I don't think it went well

**My muse went on Strike. Sorry. Still not sure if I'm really happy with this, but I really felt I needed to address Barbara in this at least a little. I reference Hush in this chapter. Oh, and a little swearing, but not enough to up the rating, or so I feel. If anyone disagrees...**

**As always, this is for Fluffy2044. Because this is still her fault. **

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"We need to talk," Dick said, dragging Bruce away from the table where the Joker was enjoying his waffles and waving his fork in front of Alfred's face. Alfred was holding up pretty well considering.

Bruce winced.

"First of all is the sheer insanity of you and him."

For a moment it seemed as if Bruce was going to try and smile and then he just decided not to even try. "I'm surprised no one thought he was attacking me."

Dick gave him a pointed look. "You can beat the shit out of him. Plus, you, uh, didn't seem very much like you were being attacked. But besides sending Tim to therapy for the next fifteen years of his life, have you even considered the ramifications of _telling him_ who you are? Who we are?"

Burying his head in his hands, Bruce decided just to let Dick rant for a while.

"I mean, telling Catwoman was bad enough! But the JOKER? Have you gone Batfuck crazy?"

Bruce snorted and Dick seemed to realize what he just said.

"I, that is, well…"

"For the record," Bruce said, looking back to make sure Alfred was still managing the Joker and his waffles. "I didn't tell him. He figured it out, which is not really something I want to think about too long."

A pause came between them. "Have you thought about how you're going to tell Barbara?"

"I hadn't even gotten far enough to think of how to tell you three."

Dick sighed. "You have to tell her."

"I know."

"I mean now."

"Now?" Bruce protested.

Waving a hand at the door, Dick nodded. "Now. In person. I'll make sure the Joker… doesn't… do anything."

0.o.0.o.0.o

A while later Bruce walked back in the door and the Joker pounced on him.

"How'd it go?" Dick asked.

"She slapped me," Bruce muttered. "And cried. I don't think it went well." He paused for a moment to look at the Joker, who seemed intent on cuddling up to him while standing. "Then she said the Joker must have done something to me. Drugged me."

"I would do no such thing," the Joker protested. "Well, I totally would have, but that's not the point. I didn't."

"I know you didn't," Bruce said. "I think everyone else agrees." He raised his eyebrow in Dick's direction.

Dick considered for a moment. "You're not stupid enough to fall for something like that."

Trying to figure out what to do with the armful of Joker he currently had, Bruce sighed. "At least some people have faith in my abilities."

"I have utmost faith in your abilities," the Joker grinned.

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**In a book I read once, one character kept saying 'batfuck' and the phrase has stuck with my since. Hopefully the next chapter will come out... soon. Do these even count as chapters? They're so short...**


	4. Is that Makeup?

**I LIVE. REALLY Here, have a very short chapter. But I have plans! And motivation! So there should be at least three more within so much time. My muse just left a while ago, so I had to beat him into submission just to get this much done. Sigh.**

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"I just don't understand it," Gordon muttered into his moustache. "Why is he only targeting big businesses and not even killing anyone anymore?"

Batman choked and got several odd looks from the cops standing around the scene while the two conversed.

"He's the Joker for god's sake! What the hell happened? Did he just get bored? Or is this all part of a larger plot of his?" Gordon frowned, disturbed by his own idea.

"Maybe," Batman skirted the issue, keeping the rest of his body movements controlled after that unforgiveable choking noise.

Gordon threw his hands up in frustration. "He's getting out of Arkham a lot more recently, but doing a lot less. I'm just so scared it's because he's planning something that will doom us all."

Batman made a noncommittal noise.

Turning, Gordon frowned at him. "Are you okay?"

"Fine," Batman ground out in reply.

"Is that… make-up on your chin?"

"No. You're imagining things."

Of course, after that 'enlightening' conversation, they got word that not only had the Mat Hatter escaped Arkham, but so had several other villains of lesser renown but great annoyance.

It took until the wee hours of the morning for Batman to finally round them all up with the help of Tim. "That's it," he muttered, surveying his city one last time before going home for the night.

The Joker, of course, had also thrown his hat into the chaos, and then fled just before Gordon or any of the other cops could catch him. He'd been out of Arkham for over a week, and yet had turned up and Wayne manor for only two of those nights.

"That's it," Batman repeated, in a thoroughly foul mood. "His ass had better be in my bed."

Tim made a noise deep in his throat and leapt off the roof.

Batman headed home.

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**FLUFFY2004! THIS IS YOUR FAULT.**


	5. Nothing Says I Love You Like Crime

**I'm not even sure this is still crack. But it's crackish, so yeah. Enjoy. I'll think there'll be... two more chapters. **

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Bruce couldn't even remember what they'd argued over. But he'd thrown something (he remembered that) and kicked the Joker out of Wayne Manor. Severed him right, for whatever it was that started the whole mess.

At least that's what he thought for several days.

That is until he started to realize that yes, he'd gotten used to the Joker and yes, he missed him.

Damnit.

None of this was anything he planned. He was getting sloppy and foolish over the whole thing.

Entering Wayne Manor he sighed and sat down heavily, letting his head fall back against the chair. "Sir," Alfred said, setting tea by his arm. "I would turn on the TV if I were you."

An eyebrow raised, Bruce turned to the screen as he fumbled for the remote for a moment. Turning it onto the news channel he gaped.

"This just in! No one's sure what exactly is going on, but every single flower shop in Gotham has been systematically robbed or bought completely out! We're here on the scene of the biggest shop in the city. Tell us, do you have any clues or leads or ideas?"

Bruce turned the TV off with a snap. "Flowers?" he asked Alfred who nodded. "Why did I need to know this?"

"Come with me, Sir," Alfred said, motioning with one hand.

Following Alfred, a horrible feeling in his gut, Bruce walked into one of the main parlors and gaped, words unable to come.

Flowers of every shape, form and color graced every flat surface and even the floor. Only a very small patch of carpet could be seen through all the foliage. On the wall behind one rather impressive arrangement was red graffiti.

SORRY BRUICE was written in that strange hand only the Joker used.

"Do you even remember what started the whole fight?" Alfred asked.

Bruce just shook his head.

"In that case, it couldn't have been that important. So I'd apologize. Preferably soon, before he does something even more drastic. And please don't argue about such stupid things again. I'd really prefer our walls to be as graffiti free as possible."

Flipping out his phone, Bruce paused and swore. "Why can't he just have a cell phone?" he grumbled, shoving the phone back in his pocket and heading down to the Bat Cave to change into his costume.

Then it was out into the night to track down his wayward lover. And make up. Preferably through sex. He'd hear good things about make up sex over the years and wanted to try it out.

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**He is getting a bit sloppy in his old age isn't he? Oh well. He has Dick and Tim to take over for him. **


	6. He could be in my room!

**Look! I got the next chapter out fairly quickly! Whose proud of me? **

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It was the end of the world.

Well, at least it was the end of Tim's already fragile world because he came home to find the Joker sitting in the main living room parlor place room thing (He'd never liked living in such a big place…) and no Bruce in sight.

Dropping his bag, Tim and the Joker starred at each other for several long seconds while Tim considered running. Of course the Joker scared him—he'd heard all the stories, and had seen quite enough of what the man sitting in front of him holding a teacup could do. "Uh, what are you doing?" he asked, backing a few steps up.

"Waiting for Brucie of course!" The green haired man chirped. Tim twitched a little as he continued his retreat for the door.

"It's three in the afternoon… he's not going to be home for a while. You could go," Tim offered helpfully.

The Joker raised his eyebrows and looked like he was about to say something but before he could Tim fled.

"Alfred!" Tim cried, spotting the butler. "Why is he here? Get him away!"

Wincing subtly, Alfred shook his head. "Master Bruce commanded me that he was to have run of the house—not the cave mind you—whenever he wished to drop by."

"What?" Tim starred. "He didn't."

"He did, Master Tim."

Tim screamed. "I can't believe it! Do you know how hard it is going to be for me to sleep now?"

Slowly, and very British like, Alfred's eyebrows made a break for his hairline. "Master Tim, you should have been aware that for the last several months he has, in fact, been sleeping at the manor…"

"That's not the point! Now I know he will always randomly be here! At any time! He could go through my room while I'm at school and leave booby traps! He could—!"

"Master Tim," Alfred started trying to calm him down. "It's not that bad—"

"Do you realize how much therapy I'm going to need for this? At least Bruce is rich, he can pay for it."

"I'd pay for it!" the Joker called from down the hall. Tim did another full body shudder.

Opening is mouth—possibly to scream again—Tim didn't even notice Dick until he was right behind him. "Do I even want to ask?" Dick asked.

"Probably not," Alfred said.

"We were just discussing Tim's therapy!" the Joker chirped.

Dick blinked and seemed to take that in. "Right," he declared finally, nodding his head as if he understood anything but really he had no idea. "Hey, Tim, want to go see a movie or something?"

"Please," Tim clung to his arm.

Alfred watched his two birds leave the house with the tattered remains of their sanity.

Which left him alone with the source of all insanity for the next two or three hours. Or more. He looked at the Joker long and hard before heading for the kitchen.

"Whatcha doing?" the Joker asked, leaning over the counter and Alfred started pulling out bottles and setting them in front of the Joker.

"Nothing," said Alfred.

The Joker gave the bottles a considering look. "Doesn't look like nothing."

Giving the Joker the patented Alfred look, he then walked from the kitchen into some parlor that was a little dusty. The Joker trailed after him, almost like a green and white puppy that enjoyed destruction far too much for his own good.

Alfred paused and then pushed the bottles towards the Joker. "I think I might regret this," he muttered to himself as he walked from the room, leaving the Joker in the least populated room of the house.

"Hey!" the Joker grinned. "Alcohol!"

Bruce came home, aching even though he hadn't been out as Batman yet. But the day to day dealings with petty men all grasping for money wearied him. Collapsing in a chair, he looked up as Alfred cleared his throat. "I feel I should warn you," the butler started, just as the Joker burst into the room and leapt into Bruce's lap, wrapping around him.

"Brucie!" the man crackled, cuddling his nose into Bruce's neck.

Frowning, Bruce looked up at Alfred. "Is he _drunk?_"

"It is a very high possibly, Sir."

Bruce blinked as the Joker squirmed in his lap. "Huh," he finally said, before lifting the Joker and carrying him up the stairs and throwing him on his bed. "Must remember the affect alcohol has on you," he smirked as the Joker pulled him down to be with him.

"It might be as good as make up sex!" the Joker declared.

Bruce pulled away long enough to consider that. "I doubt it."

"Never know until you try."

"And as Batman, it is my duty to try everything."

"Exactly," the Joker giggled, grabbing him again.

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**Hmmm... it seems some Dick/Tim has slipped in there between cracks. Oh well. So, thinking this is the second to last chapter (meaning next one will be last! Ahhh!) Also, fluffy2044, as usual, this is ALL YOUR FAULT. IT WAS HER IDEA TO GET HIM DRUNK. (The Tim is all mine though.) Also, please review, it makes me more motivated to write more. And give me warm fuzzies. So... please?**


	7. It's Really All About the Pillow

**Ta-da! The last chapter, and yes, I'm pretty sure it's really over.**

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Alfred set a glass of orange juice down in front of Tim, who liked tired and a little rumpled. He and Dick had gone patrolling after the movie, as Bruce had decided taking one night off in his old age wasn't that bad a thing.

Secretly agreeing, Alfred wondered what exactly that would mean for the rest of the bat family as Bruce continued to get older. He was hardly a young or fit man anymore, and getting more tired every year. Besides, he had effectively neutralized the Joker, the main crazy of the city.

If Batman started to fade away, and left his sons to continue the fight, would that affect the population of masked crazies as well?

They were getting older every year too.

"So, Master Tim, how did your date with Master Dick go last night?" Tim chocked on his orange juice.

"DATE?" He wiped his mouth and sputtered some more. "It was so not a date. Totally not date like. He didn't even buy me popcorn! It was not a date. And besides, dates don't end with kicking the asses of some creeps. Totally not a date."

"Of course not Master Tim," Alfred agreed affably.

"It wasn't," Tim muttered into his cup as Bruce came down and glared at the food.

"How is he doing?" Alfred asked, putting a plate in front of the glowering man.

"He's complaining and moaning and saying he's going to die."

"Ah."

Sighing, Bruce picked at the food and then picked up the plate and returned to his room.

Alfred glanced over at Tim, who was still hunched over his food, and smiled. "Master Tim," he said. "It appears there is a man behind you."

Twitching, Tim turned. "Heya Dick."

"Good morning Tim!" the vigilante grinned. He had always been a morning person. Tim, not so much.

Alfred picked up a tray with several homemade hang over cures and walked up the steps, leaving the sounds of bickering behind him to the sounds of arguing over pillows.

"But I want the big pillow!" the Joker complained.

"We are not getting into some stupid argument just so we can have make-up sex! It only counts as make-up sex if there was a real argument."

"This could be a real argument," the Joker pouted, his head on Bruce's leg.

Rolling his eyes, Bruce just handed his lover several pills. "These should help the hangover," he muttered, holding out a glass as well. "Thank Alfred when you feel better."

The Joker cuddled up to him and made a contented sound. "Can we sleep until noon?"

Bruce considered for a moment and pulled the covers over both of them. "It's almost ten already."

"Can we sleep until three?"

"Okay."

END

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**Thank you all for reading and liking the story. I'm sorry in some ways it wasn't longer, but I always feel a little better when I finish a fic. So, glad you read and hopefully enjoyed the semi-crack, semi-serious story that was Orange Juice! (And even though it's over, I still love reviews.)**


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